WHY DON'T I HAVE CLOSE FRIENDS?

Some of us do desire intimacy but we prefer solitude and privacy because closeness freaks us out.Its always difficult to have that long lasting friendship.we meet someone new and feel excited......yeeaaah,!.Within say 3 to 8 weeks,when this friend throws his/her arm around us,we experience a flood of anxiety and it feels as if we are suffocating.There is this sense of impending doom.We start to hold our guard against judgement/rejection and constantly yearn for alone time.We run out of things to say to him....9 times out of 10,we find him annoying.As his/her need amplify,we withdraw and maybe even shut down.
     You don't believe that there is anyone in the world you can trust?
     You push people away.how could you let someone get close enough  to hurt you (again)?
     Are you that friend that people remember only when there is trouble....the war time consigliere?
     Many of us struggle with underlying feelings of being unlovable.We have trouble feeling our own value and believing anyone could really care for us.

"Your relationship with yourself is likely the cause because our relationship with others is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves." 

Whether we know it or not,we all harbour defences that we believe on some level will protect us from getting hurt.These defences may offer us a false illusion of safety or security but they keep us from getting the closeness we most desire.

Pushing people away is a very basic defence  mechanism.People become inundated with their own fears and insecurities as their relationship grow.....they are afraid that they will not be accepted and therefore hurt by their loved one.so the cunning and self-deprecating thing to do is to hurt  their significant other before she/he hurts them.People go through self-defeating lengths to elude the possibility of being rejected or negatively judged by others.IF YOU:push people away and create narratives to explain why you cannot move closer to them.

• practise passive deniability:you use these lines - "did that hurt? I didn't mean it that way".."I never said that".."you are imagining it" 
• let partners pursue and initiate so that you never risk rejection
• Avoid commitment:you keep one foot out the door in any relationship or/and hoard resources(emotional,financial,etc)
• use silent treatment to get attention instead of saying  that you are feeling hurt.
• Justify your needs instead of stating them
• Dismiss or invalidate perceptions/emotions:you tell others they shouldn't feel a certain way or ask them "what could you have possibly experience at this age"
• say things that draw people closer and then pretend you never said those things in the first place

• let people in and then disappear

Then Know that you are trying to conceal your needs and perceived inadequacies and ensure you avoid attack.
When you continue doing these things,those around you will change...they will initiate less-which may make them less confrontational to you.But this means that they are growing closer to the point of leaving you(rejecting you)as you feared or  expected them to.
 In this way,you create what you fear  and expect by rejecting friends bid for intimacy..
WHERE DID IT COME FROM/PROBABLE ORIGIN?

1. Childhood experiences:people with history of being let down when it comes to intimacy(absent parents,abuse,neglect,etc) and having their needs met as children.. learned to try and meet their needs only with themselves and by being alone.This experience make them to understand that their presence is a burden.They conceptualize the world in terms of individual systems rather than social/interactive system.They are drawn towards the illusion of connection....often describing their ideal partner as one that gets them in such a way that they need not put any effort into explaining.They have great difficulty entering into deeper conversations..they pull out when partners or friends try to find out more about them.
2. Past relationship:After a heartbreak ,a person is never the same.The following thoughts hover in your mind:"wasn't I capable enough to take care of her?Didn't I love him enough?.The way we were hurt in our previous relationship have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to;as well as how we act.We may steer away from intimacy because it stirs up old feelings of hurt,loss,anger or rejection.

Final words:Due to our misguided fear,we end up leaving trails of half-baked relationships,angry exes ,unkempt relationships and then wonder why we feel so alone.Dear,We cannot build real,deep connection with others until we show up authentically in all our vulnerabilities.Connecting to others is a sense of being open and available to another person,even as you feel they are open and available to you.

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