Anger is a form of self defense,a response to a perceived or real threat.It is a secondary emotion because you must be responding to the perception of some sort of attack to feel it.It is a coping mechanism-we tend to resort to anger to protect ourselves or mask other vulnerable feelings such as anxiety,shame,fear,guilt,helplessness,grief,frustration,low self-esteem,etc. Anger provides a good smoke screen for these unpleasant emotions.
Most of us were not educated about our feelings,we learned how to deal with feelings by watching those around us.Girls cry because it was socially accepted for them to do so while boys don't,etc .We learned and became so adept at using anger as a cover-up that we have little or no awareness of the dynamic driving our behaviour.
The powerful feeling of anger makes us invulnerable,in control and numb to what is hurting us at the moment.Anger makes it possible for us to distance ourselves from a full awareness of unpleasant thoughts,feelings and behaviour.Being that we don't want to get off the pedestal we've placed ourselves-we became addicted to anger.
In the aftermath of feeling angry,its often easy to spot the damages done;there are visible tangible signs:tears on your partner's face,a heavy silence hanging in the air or bruises,people feeling put off,upset,intimidated or a handful of other unpleasant emotions.The recipient of your venom may step back from you not because they want to provide you with more space to vent the venom but because they're feeling an urgent need to distance themselves from it.Anger puts your physical well-being at risk as it can cause headache,chest-pain,migraine,etc
We might feel that our anger is justified-other people may think otherwise because they don't understand what motivated it(the vulnerable feelings driving it ).This is why despite the immediate power boost to your self-esteem that anger offers,it rarely resolves anything.
According to Ralph Waldo,"for every minute you remain angry ,you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind"
SO,What should you do when next the need arises for you to protect your vulnerability?When someone hurts your ego and you are tempted to shift to anger mode?I used to shut down, play small and wait for the storm to pass; but this has never been helpful.Yelling is not the solution either.
Just pause and ask yourself.what am I feeling underneath this?It may be difficult to notice any vulnerable emotion but the anger - explore your thoughts because our emotions are fuelled by our thoughts.Develop an awareness and try to understand the primary emotion that is triggering your anger,this can be complicated when you are not used thinking about how you feel.Like they say,"practice makes better".
Then,learn how to constructively express your feelings to the offending party;for example:I feel hurt when you say so or do so.This approach may lead you to admit to yourself and to others certain things you'd rather keep secret:that you have some unresolved grief,that you need need hep,not smart enough,that you feel inadequate,needy,like a failure or that you are scared of some certain outcome.
This will help you to address a need deeper than the anger.
Contrary to the believe that expressing our vulnerability makes us weak.we are most powerful.When we express our vulnerability directly,we access our ability to tell others what is or is not acceptable to us.We forge a creative space where the magic of human connection occurs when we assertively express the truth of our feelings.
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