Feelings:letting it ALL out

      

Learn to say EXACTLY what YOU feel, HOW you
feel it and if you can, WHEN you feel it. Its IN that
process you'll find out WHY you feel it and
resolve THE 'feeling' so you can move on WHOLE.
Do NOT let anyone tell you what you can or
cannot say and more importantly, DO NOT
HOARD your FEELINGS. Try to stay away from
people who always 'expect' you to 'feel' a certain
way or say certain things which leads to hoarding
feelings.


Hoarding feelings is BAD for you and even worse
your HEALTH! Especially if hoarding it does NOT
lead to RESOLVING it.This is why children are
generally happier and healthier (apart from colds
and infections which their bodies aren't fully
developed to handle); they pout when they want
to, they cry when they want to, they throw
tantrums when they want to and they act out
when they want to
It is IMPORTANT that they do this! Cos its how
their mind comes to terms with an event they do
NOT fully understand. Our UNDOING as Adults is
we trick ourselves into thinking we 'Understand'
everything and so PRETEND about HOW we feel in
any given situation ... sigh. Honey you DON'T.
UNEXPECTED-NESS is proof of LIFE. You should
exhibit and embrace it always.
People should find the freedom to BE in your
presence! They should NOT be censored or
muzzled. They should scream if they want to,
laugh hysterically if they want to, cry
uncontrollably if they want to, be completely silent
and unresponsive if they want to, ignore you
(hopefully not for too long ) if they want to
without being JUDGED!
But YOU can only do this for another if YOU have
allowed YOURSELF the same privilege. If you've
NEVER permitted yourself to LOSE it completely
and be a mess, if you've NEVER allowed yourself
moments of acknowledged uncertainty and
confusion, if you've NEVER allowed yourself the
privilege of doing something stupid and
acknowledging it or NEVER allowed yourself the
blessing of SOLITUDE or reluctance or reticence,
You will make sure everyone around you NEVER
has nor expresses such freedom. You are
HUMAN. BE HUMAN. Love YOURSELF as YOU
ARE so you can Love others AS THEY ARE not as
you WISH them to be.

Written by Uduak Etuk

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WHY DON'T I HAVE CLOSE FRIENDS?

Some of us do desire intimacy but we prefer solitude and privacy because closeness freaks us out.Its always difficult to have that long lasting friendship.we meet someone new and feel excited......yeeaaah,!.Within say 3 to 8 weeks,when this friend throws his/her arm around us,we experience a flood of anxiety and it feels as if we are suffocating.There is this sense of impending doom.We start to hold our guard against judgement/rejection and constantly yearn for alone time.We run out of things to say to him....9 times out of 10,we find him annoying.As his/her need amplify,we withdraw and maybe even shut down.
     You don't believe that there is anyone in the world you can trust?
     You push people away.how could you let someone get close enough  to hurt you (again)?
     Are you that friend that people remember only when there is trouble....the war time consigliere?
     Many of us struggle with underlying feelings of being unlovable.We have trouble feeling our own value and believing anyone could really care for us.

"Your relationship with yourself is likely the cause because our relationship with others is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves." 

Whether we know it or not,we all harbour defences that we believe on some level will protect us from getting hurt.These defences may offer us a false illusion of safety or security but they keep us from getting the closeness we most desire.

Pushing people away is a very basic defence  mechanism.People become inundated with their own fears and insecurities as their relationship grow.....they are afraid that they will not be accepted and therefore hurt by their loved one.so the cunning and self-deprecating thing to do is to hurt  their significant other before she/he hurts them.People go through self-defeating lengths to elude the possibility of being rejected or negatively judged by others.IF YOU:push people away and create narratives to explain why you cannot move closer to them.

• practise passive deniability:you use these lines - "did that hurt? I didn't mean it that way".."I never said that".."you are imagining it" 
• let partners pursue and initiate so that you never risk rejection
• Avoid commitment:you keep one foot out the door in any relationship or/and hoard resources(emotional,financial,etc)
• use silent treatment to get attention instead of saying  that you are feeling hurt.
• Justify your needs instead of stating them
• Dismiss or invalidate perceptions/emotions:you tell others they shouldn't feel a certain way or ask them "what could you have possibly experience at this age"
• say things that draw people closer and then pretend you never said those things in the first place

• let people in and then disappear

Then Know that you are trying to conceal your needs and perceived inadequacies and ensure you avoid attack.
When you continue doing these things,those around you will change...they will initiate less-which may make them less confrontational to you.But this means that they are growing closer to the point of leaving you(rejecting you)as you feared or  expected them to.
 In this way,you create what you fear  and expect by rejecting friends bid for intimacy..
WHERE DID IT COME FROM/PROBABLE ORIGIN?

1. Childhood experiences:people with history of being let down when it comes to intimacy(absent parents,abuse,neglect,etc) and having their needs met as children.. learned to try and meet their needs only with themselves and by being alone.This experience make them to understand that their presence is a burden.They conceptualize the world in terms of individual systems rather than social/interactive system.They are drawn towards the illusion of connection....often describing their ideal partner as one that gets them in such a way that they need not put any effort into explaining.They have great difficulty entering into deeper conversations..they pull out when partners or friends try to find out more about them.
2. Past relationship:After a heartbreak ,a person is never the same.The following thoughts hover in your mind:"wasn't I capable enough to take care of her?Didn't I love him enough?.The way we were hurt in our previous relationship have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to;as well as how we act.We may steer away from intimacy because it stirs up old feelings of hurt,loss,anger or rejection.

Final words:Due to our misguided fear,we end up leaving trails of half-baked relationships,angry exes ,unkempt relationships and then wonder why we feel so alone.Dear,We cannot build real,deep connection with others until we show up authentically in all our vulnerabilities.Connecting to others is a sense of being open and available to another person,even as you feel they are open and available to you.

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ANGER:THE EMOTION OF INVULNERABILITY

Do you feel personally attacked when someone says something derogatory,controlling or demeaning to you, or if they refuse to see things your way?Do you continually feel like you are on edge ?Guess what-you are not alone,we are in this together. Anger is simply part of human experience.Everybody feels angry at different times.

  Anger is a form of self defense,a response to a perceived  or real threat.It is a secondary emotion because you must be responding to the perception of some sort of attack to feel it.It is a coping mechanism-we tend to resort to anger to protect ourselves or mask  other vulnerable  feelings such as anxiety,shame,fear,guilt,helplessness,grief,frustration,low self-esteem,etc. Anger provides a good smoke screen for these unpleasant emotions.

Most of us were not educated about our feelings,we learned how to deal with feelings by watching those around us.Girls cry because it was socially accepted for them to do so while boys don't,etc .We learned and became so adept at using anger as a cover-up that we  have little or no awareness of the dynamic driving our behaviour.

     The powerful feeling of anger makes us invulnerable,in control and numb to what is hurting us at the moment.Anger makes it possible for us to distance ourselves from a full  awareness of unpleasant thoughts,feelings and behaviour.Being that we don't want to get off the pedestal we've placed ourselves-we  became addicted to anger.

In the aftermath of feeling angry,its often easy to spot the damages done;there are visible tangible signs:tears on your partner's face,a heavy silence hanging in the air or bruises,people feeling put off,upset,intimidated or a handful of other unpleasant emotions.The recipient of your venom may step back from you not because they want to provide you with more space  to vent the venom but because they're feeling an urgent need to distance themselves from it.Anger puts your physical well-being at risk as it can cause headache,chest-pain,migraine,etc

We might feel that our anger is justified-other people may think otherwise because they don't understand what motivated it(the vulnerable feelings driving  it ).This is why despite the immediate power boost to your self-esteem that anger offers,it rarely resolves anything.

According to Ralph Waldo,"for every minute you remain angry ,you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind"

SO,What should you do when next the need arises for you to protect your vulnerability?When someone hurts your ego and you are tempted to shift to anger mode?I used to shut down, play small and wait for the storm to pass; but this has never been helpful.Yelling is not the solution either.

Just pause and ask yourself.what am I feeling underneath this?It may be difficult to notice any vulnerable emotion but the anger - explore your thoughts because our emotions are fuelled by our thoughts.Develop an awareness and try to understand the primary emotion  that is triggering your anger,this can be complicated when you are not used thinking about how you feel.Like they say,"practice makes better".

      Then,learn how to constructively express your feelings to the offending party;for example:I feel hurt when you say so or do so.This approach may lead you to admit to yourself and to others certain things you'd rather keep secret:that you have some unresolved grief,that  you need need hep,not smart enough,that you feel inadequate,needy,like a failure or that you are scared of some certain outcome.

This will help you to address a need deeper than the anger.

Contrary to the believe that expressing our vulnerability makes us weak.we are most powerful.When we express our vulnerability directly,we access our ability to tell others what is or is not acceptable to us.We forge a creative space where the magic of human connection occurs when we assertively express the truth of our feelings.   

 

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IS THIS A RELATIONSHIP?/ALMOST RELATIONSHIP

Are you caught in an emotional limbo?Ever experienced the awkwardness of explaining to your friends that your relationship is not exactly one?Are you familiar with these terms,"seeing","talking" or just "hanging out".You are not alone,we've all been there and we asked the same question you are asking..."is this a relationship?".Sorry dear,its not..it is called ALMOST relationship.

Almost relationship feels,looks and sounds like a relationship but it's not one.It is a relationship that is out of reach which will never be reached.Hope,fantasy and possibilities are the foundation on which almost relationship is built.It's a long chain of questions...why did they make me fall for them and  then decide not to catch me?what did I do wrong?why did they stop replying my messages?Is it over between us?

In almost relationship, your imagination  reigns supreme,you imagine all the things that could've,would've,should've happen IF......
Some of the things that comes with an Almost Relationship are as follows:

• They criticize you and try to modify you:Your partner will criticize you till you  lose sense of all you have and focus on all the the things you lack.You are their source of self esteem,you give them relevance.You honestly believed that  they are these amazing people you imagined.Because of the crazy idea of what you could have with this "imagined" amazing person,you will change yourself to suit and appease them.
• They can't take responsibility:They are not ready to go an inch deeper than they already did and they cannot take responsibility for the ways their actions may be harming you.They cannot commit to you,they want intimacy while holding their freedom.The intentionally refused to label the relationship in order to have freedom to do anything,they don't expect anyone to get hurt because they didn't promise you anything.
• There is a lot of confusion,blurry lines,games,and their fickleness will make you doubt your reality.You are constantly trying to prove to them that you deserve them.
• No healthy communication:The talk about their self and make zero effort to get to know you.They talk down on you,berate you and get angry  at your feedback.
• There is no closure:You cannot tell when your almost relationship is over,when your partner is busy,when they need space.The will stop talking to you,calling and replying your text, There is nothing you could've done differently to prevent all that.After some weeks or months,they may call you or send a text.And the whole thing will repeat itself over and over again.The more you keep on looking answers and ways to make it work,the longer you will be trapped in that emotional limbo.

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HOW DO YOU GET RID OF BAD BREATH

There is no denying the fact that bad breath is unpleasant and embarrassing,nobody deserves to  deal with  the self consciousness that can result from halitosis.
The prime cause of  bad breath is a gram negative bacterium that lives on all oral surfaces;onion,garlic and some other  food items can cause bad breath.Read why you have bad breath to find out other potential causes of bad breath.

Don't let bad breath stand in the way of kisses,hugs,and close conversations when effective solutions do exist.Try the following to get rid of halitosis:

• Proper oral care:Brushing at least twice and flossing once daily removes plague and food particles in your mouth.This helps to prevent your risk of developing  gum disease and tooth decay.If your bad breath is from oral problems,proper oral  hygiene is all you need!
• Aloe Vera:Do you experience pain  from sensitive mouth?Aloe Vera is all you need because the vitamins and enzymes in it will help protect  and reinforce sensitive mouth tissues as well.It  has natural anti-fungal and antibacterial substances.The ℬsitosterol found in it soothes acid indigestion which is responsible for some bad breath.Aloe helps to kill the bad bacteria and fights tooth decay.
• Zinc:Incorporating zinc supplements or foods rich in zinc will make the bacteria that binds to surface proteins to release sulphur gases to bind instead on  the protein receptors of the available zinc ions,disallowing new sulphur gas from being created.
• Water:Drink  sufficient amount of water daily to avoid dry mouth.Drinking water helps your body to produce saliva,which is a natural bacteria fighter.
• Probiotic: Probiotic can benefit your intestinal health.Incorporating probiotic rich food such as yoghurt into your diet can help your halitosis problem.
• Avoid foods that cause bad breath:onions and garlic are at the top of the list.If you must eat them,don't eat them before going out.
• See your doctor

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